Divorce Without Dishonor®

Quote of the Month: Gossip

Gossip is the only sound that travels faster than sound.

Divorce Separates Dads from Their Children

I hear them briefly through thin wire.
Their smell is gone from the pillowcases.
A visit this weekend will provide another snapshot, a touch
Will we ever share the same ground?
When will I ever be allowed to tell them stories over campfires of past warriors?
O great spirit, give me strength to keep trying, for I love them so.

Anyone who doesn't understand the pain divorce causes fathers has only to read this desperate plea by Douglas MacKay, a divorced father of three in Connecticut. I ran across this prayer in The Divorced Dad's Survival Book: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids by David Knox with Kermit Leggett.

With more than half the marriages in America ending in divorce, the number of single-parent homes is increasing. Of the more than 20 million children who live in single-parent homes, 85% live with their mother. Since courts traditionally award custody to mothers, many of these children see their fathers only a few times a month, if at all. After divorce, the amount of time dads get to spend with their children plummets from 100% to less than 25%.

"The percentage of American children living apart from their biological fathers will reach 50% in the next century," predicts Rutgers University sociologist David Popenoe. "Think about it. Half of all children without fathers to say good night to them. Many, when asked who their father is, will answer, 'I don't have one.'"

What is this doing to America's children? We'll talk about that next time.

What Is the Divorce Coach's Role in Collaborative Divorce?

Divorce coaches are important members of the professional team that assists divorcing spouses in a collaborative divorce. Each spouse retains his/her own divorce coach. The primary role of a divorce coach is to help each spouse deal with the emotional impact of divorce in a positive and effective way.

Mental health professionals with specialized training in collaborative law, divorce coaches help their clients refocus emotion-based thinking so they can make effective decisions and set positive goals that will benefit the entire family, particularly the children, both during and after divorce. Unlike a therapist who works to uncover the source of a problem, the divorce coach is a problem solver who empowers you to act.

Fear, anger and a desire for retribution or revenge are normal emotions when a couple divorces. Unfortunately, out-of-control emotions create huge stumbling blocks to resolving divorce and child custody issues. A divorce coach can help you understand, accept and refocus your emotions into a positive plan of action.

Generally, each spouse meets with his/her divorce coach separately before and/or after collaborative team meetings. Coaches may also accompany their clients to team meetings. A divorce coach can help you:

• determine and stay focused on achieving your goals,
• sort out your emotions and separate them from the decisions you need to make,
• teach you effective self-management techniques that can help you express yourself more effectively when talking to your spouse,
• teach you effective negotiation techniques that can help you achieve your goals,
• provide effective problem-solving tools to promote positive communication with your spouse and reduce misunderstandings, and
• assist you in developing creative solutions to emotionally charged issues.

A divorce coach can help you develop effective communication, negotiation and problem-solving skills that can help you in future communications with your spouse and can be invaluable as you parent your children after divorce.

Secrets to Living Happily After Divorce

There is life after divorce, despite how you may feel now. While you're in the throes of divorce so many aspects of your life are changing that you go into survival mode. Just getting through each day may seem to be all you can handle. Life does go on, however, and it's necessary -- and possible -- to move from survive to thrive, says relationship coach Laurie Cameron. Here are her 9 secrets to living happily after divorce:

1. Accept what is. Stop dwelling on how things used to be or how you wish things were. By accepting your life the way it IS today, you gain the freedom to create the life you want.
2. Take responsibility for every area of your life. Stop blaming your ex for your problems. Taking total responsibility for your actions and responses allows you to learn from the experience and move forward.
3. Practice the two key strategies for a successful life: (1) Figure out what's not working in your life and stop doing it. (2) Figure out what works better and start doing that instead! You need to recognize and break old patterns in order to move forward with your life.
4. Take good care of yourself. Taking care of your physical, mental and emotional health, will give you the energy and self-confidence to make positive changes in your life. You'll also have more physical and emotional energy to help your children cope with the divorce.
5. Create a vision and focus on it. Divorce strips us of the goals, hopes and dreams that drove our lives. You need to put aside the dreams you shared with your spouse and create new ones.
6. Take action. It's not enough to have goals or a plan, you have to ACT. It's easy to wallow in inertia after divorce, but you must take those first shaky steps alone if you want to move forward after divorce.
7. Create a fulfilling single life. Stop pining for your dead marriage. Being single is a wonderful opportunity for personal growth. Focus on your own life and do the things that make you feel strong, powerful and happy.

Collaborative Divorce Puts Children First

When you and your spouse decided to have a child, it was most likely a joyful time. From the moment of birth (and even before that), children steal your heart. You love them, care for them and protect them. You dedicate yourself to keeping your child safe, healthy and happy. Divorce shouldn't change that.

When divorce becomes a battlefield, your children are the casualties. During divorce, parents must put aside their anger and emotions when making decisions about their children's custody and support. They must separate their adult differences from the needs and welfare of their children and work together to make decisions that will support and provide for their children's physical and emotional well-being. Therapist Rosalind Sedacca calls this child-centered divorce.

"When you create a child-centered divorce, your children win -- on every level. Parents who make a concerted effort to sit down with each other and discuss the future well-being of their kids together, keep their perspective where it really belongs -- on the children," says Sedacca in a recent article on the website Child-Centered Divorce. (Click here to read the entire article.)

Sedacca suggests divorcing parents ask themselves the following questions:

• What’s best for our children today, tomorrow and in the years to come?
• How can we minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted upon our children as a result of our pending divorce?
• How can we best support our children through this difficult time?
• How can we show your love and compassion for them as they move through challenges they did not ask for — or create?
• What can we do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and well-being during the transitions ahead?
• Who can provide the least traumatic home environment for the children – and for what percent of each day, week, month and year?
• How can each of us best contribute our assets – physical, emotional and spiritual – to create harmony, good will and peace within the changed family structure?
• How will our children look back at this divorce a year, five years, ten years and more from now? Will they understand?
• How can we make life better for our children after the divorce than it was before?

These are not easy questions to answer. You and your spouse may need the help and support of counselors, divorce coaches and child advisers, in addition to your attorneys, to arrive at answers that support your children. If you and your spouse want to create a child-centered divorce, you should seriously consider consulting a collaborative family law attorney like myself. A collaborative divorce provides the supportive atmosphere and cooperative process necessary to help parents make decisions about their divorce that will benefit the entire family, particularly their children. Click here to find out more about collaborative divorce.

Website of the Month: Child-Centered Divorce

A divorced mother herself, therapist Rosalind Sedacca, has created an excellent new website, Child-Centered Divorce, that I can highly recommend. Built on her own struggles guiding her children through divorce, Sedacca has created a website that can be a valuable resource for parents striving to help their children cope with divorce.

The goal of the website is to provide parents with a support network that addresses the problems parents face with their children during divorce. Articles address the issues concerning the emotional health and welfare of children going through divorce. Parents will find the articles engagingly written and particularly useful. In each article parents will find new understandings and helpful tips they can apply to their own circumstances.

Sedacca shares her highly qualified experience in regular articles on the website and also draws on the knowledge and experience of a variety of experts. Some recent topics include:

• Magical Thinking: When Children of Divorce Blame Themselves
• Children's Emotional Needs During Divorce and Beyond
• When Children of Divorce Act Out -- Caring Parents Step Up!
• Child-Centered Divorce Secrets

Child-Centered Divorce was created this summer by Rosalind Sedacca, a Certified Corporate Trainer, author, national speaker and workshop facilitator. She is the author of the helpful  new book How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! (see our October 29 post for a review).

Quote of the Month: Memory

"When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not." ~ Mark Twain

Talking to Your Children About Divorce

Having the "divorce talk" with their children is one of hardest things a parent has to do when they decide to divorce. In our last post we talked about some of the important messages you need to give your children. But how you talk to your children is equally important.

Most families move through the day at breakneck speed. In the morning everyone is rushing about to brush teeth, grab breakfast, pack lunches, let the dog out, find homework and get out the door to work and school. After school it's another rush from soccer practice to piano lesson to gymnastics to scouts; the carpool dash often running well past the dinner hour. The evening is filled with homework, dishes, laundry, baths, storytime and -- finally -- bed. And the next morning it starts all over again!

It's not too surprising then that we rarely seem to have time for quiet conversations with our children. "Too often busy parents find themselves talking at their children, but not to them. And most especially, not with them," says therapist Rosalind Sedacca in a post on the website Child-Centered Divorce. (Click the link to read her article.)

In any family setting this can be a challenge, but when your family is struggling through a divorce, the ability to talk to and with your children is essential. Here are some important things to remember when you talk to your children about your divorce:

• Be age appropriate. A younger child needs, and can handle, a much less detailed and involved explanation than a teen.
• Be honest. You child needs to know he can trust you and what you tell him. If you don't know the answer to his question, tell him so.
• Take time. Don't rush when your child has questions or wants to talk. Stop what you're doing and sit down together. If you can, talk to your child immediately. Often children's questions are short, and they may forget what they want to ask or say if they have to wait. If you really can't make time at that moment, set a time later in the day to talk and make sure you don't forget.
• Listen. Really listen to what your child is asking or has to say. Don't jump in with what you think he wants to know or what you want to tell him. Let him speak and make an effort to respond to what he says. Allow your child to express his fears and opinions. He needs to know it's OK to talk to you about these things.
• Don't insult, criticize or make negative remarks about your spouse. You and your spouse will always be your child's parents, and your child needs the love and support of both his parents. Your child will cope with your divorce more successfully if you shield him from the adult issues involved.

Unsure of how to start a dialog with your child: Sedacca has some excellent advice: "Share some of your own feelings and experiences with life’s challenges before you start asking them [your children] questions about their life. Knowing that you personally deal with fears, anxieties, doubts and related emotions gives your children permission to talk about those they are experiencing. It makes them feel more okay about their own insecurities. And it encourages them to talk more frankly with you about challenges they face in all facets of their life." Good advice for parents, whether you're going through a divorce or not.

How to Tell the Kids About Your Divorce

Telling your children you've decided to get divorced is a difficult task. It's hard to find the right words to say and even harder not to let your own anger, hurt,  fear and disappointment color your words. But how you tell your children that mom and dad won't be living together anymore can make a significant difference in their own ability to accept and adjust to the divorce.

How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! is an innovative aid developed to help parents talk to their children about divorce. Developed by therapist Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, after divorce forced her to have this conversation with her own children, the book guides parents in creating a personalized photo album-style book to use when they talk to their children about their divorce.

Fill-in-the-blank templates for creating a personalized story with age-appropriate text are provided with Sedacca's informative book for parents, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? The book answers parents' questions and helps them find the appropriate words to say to their children.

Sedacca says the six essential messages you must give your children when you tell them you are getting divorced are:

1. You are, and always will be, loved by Mom and Dad.
2. You are, and will continue to be, safe.
3. You are not to blame for any of this.
4. Mom and Dad will still always be your Mom and Dad.
5. This is about change, not about blame.
6. Everything is going to be okay.

How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? is a valuable guidebook for parents. This book will help you find the right words to use when talking to your children about your divorce. I recommend it. For more information on How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? by Rosalind Sedacca and the companion Create-a-Story guide, click here.

How Bankruptcy Impacts Divorce

Divorce and financial stress seem to go hand-in-hand. Despite new laws enacted in 2005 that tightened the requirements for bankruptcy, many people still see it as an easy way out of crushing financial debt. Unfortunately, some spouses also believe bankruptcy will allow them to escape their spousal or child support obligations during and/or after divorce.

The 2005 Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act closed most of the loopholes that used to affect the unfair discharge of family obligations. Debtors seeking protection under bankruptcy laws must now meet a means test tied to income and debt which limits their filing choices. (Click here for a rundown on the various types of bankruptcy and how the process works.) Today, it is extremely difficult for debtors to evade their spousal and family responsibilities. Under the 2005 act, domestic support obligations cannot be discharged and must be considered a first priority claim.

There are still opportunities for abuse, however; and the prudent person will seek legal counsel if their spouse or ex files for bankruptcy. For example, secured debt receives precedence in bankruptcy proceedings, after which there may not be enough money left to fully pay non-secured debts, even first priority claims. And while a bankruptcy stay (period of time during which creditors cannot act against the debtor) no longer applies to support, domestic violence and custody matters, it does delay the distribution of property and assets.

Despite protections provided under the new 2005 act, if your spouse or ex files for bankruptcy, you should seek legal counsel to protect your rights as a creditor. You should obtain copies of your spouse's bankruptcy schedules which disclose income, property, etc. Your attorney may need to file adversary complaints or proofs of claims to protect your interests. Under one bankruptcy plan, a debtor can still escape paying accumulated support arrears. If bankruptcy proceedings impact your divorce, it is important to consult an attorney to protect your interests and those of your children.

Marlene Browne, author of Boomer's Guide to Divorce and The Divorce Process: Empowerment Through Knowledge has written an interesting article on the changes in bankruptcy law. To read the article on Forbes.com, click here.

Domestic Violence Laws Often Abused to Gain Child Custody

Abuse is a powerful word. Domestic violence is a serious issue and growing concern in our country (see our previous two posts). Yet there is the temptation to misuse "the abuse card" in child custody cases. When domestic violence laws were enacted, lawmakers didn't expect parents to claim abuse or exaggerate abusive behaviors to "punish" their spouse and gain exclusive custody of their children, but that is what happens too often in family court.

It's easy to understand given the hurt, anger and volatile emotions generated during divorce. Even though not physically abused, one party may feel emotionally bereft and characterize this as abuse. It's a fine line easily crossed and fed by anger and guilt. Our adversarial approach to divorce doesn't help matters. Too often attorneys set on fixing blame and gaining the best settlement possible for their client will fan the flames, declaring certain behaviors abusive that in less emotional settings might be seen in a less volatile light. Not only do such actions undermine the safety of those who truly need protection under the domestic violence laws, but they are unfair to your children.

Domestic violence laws should not be used as a quick method for resolving child custody disputes. These laws are not there to provide one parent with a tactical advantage over the other. Parents who attempt to abuse these laws are not acting in their children's best interests and may find themselves at a disadvantage with the court.

If such allegations are deemed to be unfounded or grossly or intentionally exaggerated, a skilled attorney will easily be able to show that the accusatory parent, if he or she were awarded custody, would in all likelihood attempt to alienate the children from the other parent. In determining the best interests of the children with respect to custody and visitation, one of the important factors that the judge considers is which parent will better promote normal family relations. Children are entitled to the benefit of both sides of their family, including grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Judges realize the importance of the support provided by the extended family and are generally unwilling to deny this to the children simply by virtue of a custody decision.

It is important to realize that animosity between a divorcing husband and wife most often does not extend to their children. The reasons for a failed marriage have everything to do with the dynamics of the spousal relationship, but little to do with a person's ability to be a kind, caring and loving parent. False or grossly exaggerated claims of abuse leave deep scars that will affect the entire family for years to come. They do nothing to promote future trust or the cooperative attitude necessary to effectively parent and raise your children after the divorce. They deny your children the support and comfort of one of the two most important people in their lives. Care should be taken to report instances of abuse or domestic violence in a factually accurate manner. The "abuse card" should not be played to punish your spouse out of hurt or anger. In the end, the ones you hurt most will be your children.

For more information on divorce, domestic violence and child custody, click here to visit my website. 

Divorcing an Abusive Spouse

Every 15 seconds a woman is beaten in a domestic dispute somewhere in the U.S. according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. That's four broken noses every minute, 240 cracked ribs every hour, 5760 bruised and battered women every day. For many, the only way to end the cycle of abuse is to divorce the abusive spouse and try to make a new life.

Too often battered women are afraid to leave their spouse or partner. They fear for themselves and for their children. They are so beaten down that they no longer have the emotional stamina to escape. (I realize that sometimes women are the abusers; but far more often it is the physically dominant male who inflicts the damage.) If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, help them get the help they need right now, today.

Whether you are married or not, legal protection and prosecution are available to help you if you are being abused. On my website, I provide a step-by-step plan of action: what you need to do if you are being physically abused. Click here to find out what you should do and what you can expect from the police and the court system. There are also many agencies in Maryland that are dedicated to helping abused and battered women and their families. Click here for a list of domestic violence resources.

Not everyone will choose to divorce an abusive spouse, but every woman who is the subject of domestic violence should take steps to protect herself. If the abuse is triggered by alcohol or drug addiction, there is some chance that treating the addiction may end the abuse; however this can take months or even years.

Before you make a decision about the future of your marriage or relationship, you must first make sure that you and your children are safe. Get out, get away, get somewhere safe and take advantage of every legal protection available. Once you are safe, you can decide about the future. 

Next time: When parents play the abuse card to win custody.

Abuse, Drug Use Finally Tore Apart Whitney Houston-Bobby Brown Marriage

Whitney Houston was on top of the world. With her powerful voice and tremendous vocal range, the Grammy winner's songs played at the top of the charts. She was in demand as a singer, actress and model. Then she married Bobby Brown in 1992 and  her life started to unravel.

Their marriage was volatile; charges of infidelity, sexual misconduct, anorexia, drug abuse and spousal battery didn't take long to surface. For years Houston practically disappeared from public view, her name surfacing occasionally in lurid tabloid headlines. Her reputation and career in tatters, Houston finally entered a drub rehab program in 2004 and again in 2005, this time successfully. Finally, in late 2006 Houston divorced Brown, gained sole custody of their teenage daughter and started to piece her career back together. Looking healthy and vivacious, Houston has made a few non-singing appearances this year and a new record is in the works. "The Voice" is back. (For more info on the Houston-Brown marriage and divorce, click here.)

Many marriages follow the same path as Whitney Houston's to Bobby Brown, admittedly without the glitz, glam and paparazzi. Often during courtship you're swept off your feet by sweet beauty or suave gallantry. But once the honeymoon is over, the spouse you thought you knew starts to show a few cracks in the polish.

While learning to accept each other's foibles is part of marriage, there is no room for abuse. An abusive spouse crosses the line of "for better or worse" and morally negates the wedding vows. If you have an abusive spouse, do not risk your life another day. See a divorce attorney today.

Next time: Divorcing an Abusive Spouse.

Litigation or Collaboration? Which Divorce Is Right for You?

We are a litigious nation. "I'll sue you," is an often heard refrain. Certainly there is a necessary place for litigation, even in divorce cases. But what many divorcing couples fail to realize is that they can retain better control of their settlement and their expenses if they can come to agreement outside of court.

Anger, hurt and rejection drive the desire for revenge when parties divorce. Dramatic trials on television and in the movies make us think we can exact our pound of flesh in court. We envision our attorney standing up before a jury like Alan Shore (actor James Spader) on ABC's Boston Legal. All our fantasies will come true. We will be vindicated and our errant spouse vanquished!

Well, life just isn't like that. Most divorce and custody cases are heard and decided by a judge. Theatrics and melodrama don't play in most courtrooms. Your attorney presents your side, your spouse's attorney presents his/her side, and the judge decides. You cannot control the judge's decision which will be primarily based on the cold facts of the law. Often you receive a decision which, while correct under the law, may not feel morally right to the individuals whose lives have just been forever changed. For this privilege you pay. A family court trial is a lengthy and expensive process.

What couples caught up in the emotional turbulence of divorce fail to realize is that in most cases a trial judgment will not give them everything they want. Each party is likely to win on some issues and lose on others, and they will have no say in which is which. If a couple can set aside their animosity and come to agreement outside of court, they can maintain control of their settlement. Each party will still have to compromise. Neither individual will get everything they want, but each is much more likely to get the things that are truly important to them. If children are involved, an out-of-court settlement, is more likely to result in a custody arrangement that both parties can live with.

Collaborative family law developed to help couples come to divorce and custody agreements outside of court. The divorcing parties, rather than the court, maintain control over the settlement and custody decisions. Cooperation and compromise are necessary which may make this a difficult choice for some couples. But attorneys and a team of professionals dedicated to the collaborative process work with the couple to help them communicate effectively and respectfully as they resolve their issues.

So before you hire a trial attorney to take your divorce to court, ask yourself, "Am I willing to spend more money and seriously risk losing things that are important to me? If your answer is "no," you should give collaborative divorce serious consideration.

Kevin Federline Awarded Full Custody of Kids

The sad and bizarre tale of Britney Spears' fall from grace hit a new low last week when the court awarded custody of their two children to father Kevin Federline. Blogs and websites went into overdrive speculating on whether the judge acted in the children's best interests, whether Federline will be a good dad, and whether Spears even wants her children.

No matter how you feel about Spears and Federline personally -- according to the entertainment press, both have had their problems with drugs, lifestyle choices and personal responsibility -- Spears' recent conduct deep-sixed her chances in court. After Spears repeated ignored Judge Scott Gordon's orders for drug tests, parenting classes and therapy, the judge awarded full-time custody of the couple's two children -- 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James -- to Federline.

A divorced father, myself, I can't share the angst and agony being expressed on the internet about the children being taken from their mother. Federline may or may not turn out to be a good dad, but he has certainly exhibited more responsibility toward his children than Spears. Too often in divorce the abilities of fathers to successfully care for their children is overlooked in favor of the mother.

‘‘It is still the norm in the U.S. that women are expected to take care of the children as opposed to the male, who has far less responsibility in this area,’’  said Brown University sociologist Nancy Luke. ‘‘There is a definite double standard.’’

Despite society's expectation that mothers are naturally more nurturing and the best primary caregiver for their children, facts don't show that to be the case. For many parents, the contradiction between how they think they should feel about being parents and how they actually feel can create tremendous stress and lead to unfortunate decisions when they divorce and must determine custody arrangements for their children.

The sex of the parent should not be the deciding factor in awarding custody. I have met quite a few women who yearn to return to work after having a baby. Even though they enjoy their child, parenting makes them feel trapped, anxious and unfulfilled. I have also met a number of men who wish they could be with their child every minute of the day. They enjoy raising their children, taking care of a home, cooking, etc. The interest, ability and fitness of each parent, not his or her sex, should be the primary considerations used to determine custody arrangements. Ideally, both parents should be able to play major roles in raising their children. 

In determining custody arrangements, parents need to be honest with themselves and each other. Collaborative family law allows parents to discuss these issues in an atmosphere of cooperation and respect. The collaborative process can lead to unique and creative solutions to custody issues that benefit both parents and particularly their children. 

Collaborative Divorce vs Mediation: What IS the Difference?

Many people and some lawyers believe that collaboration and mediation are the same thing. Though there are similarities, each process is distinctly different and offers divorcing couples different options in separating their personal, family and financial relationships.

In our October 10, 2007 post, we defined collaboration and mediation as two distinct processes. Let’s look more closely at the main characteristics they share and how they are different.

How are collaboration and mediation the same?

• Both are methods of alternative dispute resolution used in family law.
• Both seek to limit adversarial litigation and promote cooperative solutions to divorce issues.
• Both emphasize respect, cooperation, honesty and professionalism.
• Both are private processes that, unlike a court trial, are not open to the public.
• Both processes happen outside the court and neither is bound by rules of the court. Both may take as many sessions and as long as necessary to reach agreement. The exception being court-ordered mediation which may set a limit on issues discussed, number of sessions or time frame for completion.
• Both empower parties to solve problems for themselves. The collaborative process may enable more creative, more personalized solutions.
• Both rely on the voluntary and free exchange of information.
• Both allow for the hiring of specialists such as financial or child advisers. In collaborative law, such specialists are usually hired jointly at the onset of negotiations to serve all parties as members of the collaborative team.
• Both collaborative lawyers and mediators have specialized training in law, social work and conflict resolution. In addition, collaborative lawyers must have practiced family law for a minimum of 5 years.
• Both result in legally-binding agreements.
• Both may be terminated by the divorcing parties.

How are collaboration and mediation different?

• Collaboration is a strictly voluntary process. While mediation is generally voluntary, it can be ordered by the court.
• In collaboration, the divorcing couple retains joint control of both the proceedings and the agreement. In mediation, a neutral mediator directs and controls the proceedings.
• Collaboration is a team approach. In collaboration, the couple and their individual attorneys attend all meetings together. Attorneys represent their individual client but also work cooperatively as part of the team. Legal advice can be immediately given and discussed by all. In mediation, the couple usually meets privately with the mediator, visiting their attorneys between sessions. The mediator cannot dispense legal advice.
• In collaboration, emphasis is placed on developing positive communication skills as a basis for future contact between the divorcing parties. Divorce coaches are often engaged by each party to assist with communication skills, self management and negotiation skills.
• Particularly where children are involved, collaboration seeks to create a cooperative relationship between the divorcing parties that will allow them to successfully parent their children into the future. Mediation does not emphasize future communication between the parties.
• Collaboration places significant emphasis on the rights and needs of the children. Often a couple will add a child specialist to the collaborative team to present the needs and desires of the children.
• Should the collaborative process fail, the attorneys (and members of the collaborative team) are prohibited from representing their clients in a trial or appearing on the behalf of either party. Should mediation fail, the mediator cannot divulge anything that occurred during mediation and cannot testify in court.

For more information on both collaborative divorce and mediation, click here to visit the Family Law section of Michael Mastracci’s website. In the left-hand column you'll find a number of topics that can answer your questions about divorce issues. If you are facing divorce, Mike Mastracci can assist you with collaboration, mediation or traditional litigation. Click here to contact Mike today.

Collaborative Divorce vs Mediation: Is There a Difference?

Many people think mediation and collaborative divorce are the same thing. Some members of the legal community may even indicate there is not much difference between the two. While it is true that collaborative divorce practice has its roots in mediation, it is a distinctly different process.

What is mediation? In mediation, a neutral third party helps a couple define their areas of disagreement, then leads them to draw up a legally-binding agreement. The mediator directs and controls the meetings which generally involve only the mediator and two disputing parties. The mediator cannot provide legal advice or advocate for either side but parties may hire and consult their own attorneys between mediation sessions.

Sometimes a divorcing couple chooses mediation, other times mediation is ordered by the court and may be limited to a particular issue. Mediators receive special training and are regulated by each state. Agreements reached in mediation are legally binding and entered with the court. A mediator is forbidden to reveal what was discussed during mediation and cannot be called as a witness should the mediation process fail and the case go to court.

What is Collaboration? Collaboration is a team process in which both parties and their respective lawyers meet together in four-way meetings to cooperatively resolve divorce issues. Each attorney advises and supports their own client, but they may also speak to each other during the process. The couple work together to develop an equitable agreement that meets the needs of all parties, particularly the children.

Meetings rely on the voluntary and free exchange of information and emphasize respect, cooperation, honesty and professionalism. There is emphasis on developing positive communication skills as a basis for future contact. Additional advisers such as financial or child specialists may be hired jointly to advise all parties. There is no timeline and parties may meet as frequently and for as long as it takes to arrive at agreement.

Collaborative lawyers and team members receive specialized training and many subscribe to the ethics of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. In addition, collaborative lawyers must have practiced family law for a minimum of 5 years. Agreements reached through the collaborative process are registered with the court and become legally binding. Should the collaborative process fail, the attorneys and advisers are prohibited from representing either party in court.

Next time: Collaborative Divorce vs Mediation: What IS the Difference?

For more information on both collaborative divorce and mediation, click here to visit the Family Law section of Michael Mastracci’s website. In the left-hand column you'll find a number of topics that can answer your questions about divorce issues. If you are facing divorce, Mike Mastracci can assist you with collaboration, mediation or traditional litigation. Click here to contact Mike today.

Collaborative Divorce Divides the Legal Profession

Many divorcing couples are embracing collaborative divorce as a kinder, gentler method of dissolving their family and financial relationships (see our October 6 post). Increasingly the judiciary support collaborative divorce, and a growing number of state legislatures have voted to authorize collaborative divorce. The American Bar Association (ABA) recently came out with a opinion supporting collaborative divorce. However, as the October 5, 2007 article in the Baltimore Sun made clear, attorneys remain divided. (Click here to read the full article by reporter Melissa Harris).

The collaborative divorce agreement signed by the divorcing parties and their respective attorneys prevents the attorneys from representing their clients in court should the collaborative process fail. Collaborative divorce, which uses a cooperative meeting approach, can generally be resolved more quickly resulting in fewer billable hours and loss of income for attorneys. To be fair, America's adversarial approach to litigation has convinced many attorneys that this inability to represent their clients in court prohibits them from providing full and fair protection of their client's rights, a view struck down by the ABA's recently released opinion. Of course there are many attorneys who do not invest themselves in the welfare of their divorcing clients -- a tenet of collaborative divorce. They focus strictly on the law and using the law to achieve the greatest gain for their client, despite the cost to the family unit. Collaborative lawyers proactively represent their clients, but within the larger view of what will be best for the family, and particularly the children, now and into the future.

Siding with the adversarial view of divorce, the Colorado Bar Association struck down collaborative divorce as unethical, charging that it prohibited lawyers from aggressively fighting for their client's interests. "There's this fiction in collaborative law that everyone's always telling the truth," explained Harry Siegel, founder of the Maryland Trial Lawyers Association's Family Law Section. "If someone's lying, they could actually more successfully get away with it in a collaborative model than in the court system, where there are checks and balances."

Collaborative divorce is a new way of thinking about divorce law, "a complete paradigm shift" away from mainstream attorney practices, said Paul Washowshky, an Ellicott City attorney who accepts collaborative clients. Howard County Circuit Court Judge Diane Leasure shared the view of many in the Maryland judiciary when she called collaborative divorce "a wonderful option short of litigation." The Maryland judiciary now allows litigating couples to put their court action on hold to try the collaborative divorce process.

"The thing with domestic law is that there is so much discretion vested in a trial judge, especially when it comes to child custody and access issues," explained Judge Leasure. "We often only see the parties in court and don't meet the children ... so it's difficult to determine what's best for the children."

Collaborative law leaves the welfare of their children in the parents' hands and has led to some unique solutions, said collaborative attorney Jolie Weinberg. She has several clients where the custody agreement requires the parents, not the children, to move in and out of the family home. "The parents are truly the ones who are making the sacrifices for the kids," she said.

If you are considering collaborative divorce, it is important to work with an attorney dedicated to the collaborative process. Look for one who is a member of the International Association of Collaborative Professionals (IACP). Some attorneys consider that any cooperative effort, no matter how small or fleeting, constitutes collaborative practice. This simply isn't true. Collaborative lawyers take special training in the art of communication, positive listening and behavior management. They learn to think outside the box to develop creative solutions to a couple's issues. They are dedicated to helping both parties come to a fair and equitable agreement in an atmosphere of respect and safety outside of court. While effectively representing their clients, their focus is on helping the divorcing couple find solutions that will benefit the whole family, particularly the children.

Baltimore Sun Looks at Collaborative Divorce

Same split with a lot less spat was the humorous definition of collaborative divorce used to headline an excellent article that appeared yesterday in the October 5, 2007 issue of the Baltimore Sun. (Click here to read the full article by reporter Melissa Harris). Collaborative family law is making the news as more people search for ways to divorce without all the blood-letting and acrimony often typical of American divorce.

Collaborative divorce is a team approach in which the divorcing spouses, their respective attorneys and sometimes other professionals work together in an atmosphere of professionalism, calm and respect to dissolve the couple's family and financial relationships. The brainchild of a Minnesota attorney in 1990, collaborative divorce seeks to decrease the bitterness, length and cost of divorce in America.

Collaborative professionals -- attorneys, financial experts, divorce coaches, child specialists -- receive specialized training in the collaborative approach and contract to work toward the goal of a mutually acceptable settlement. Collaborative law is dedicated to solving legal issues outside the court system. Should the process break down and the couple decide to take their case to court, the collaborative team, particularly attorneys, is contractually bound to excuse themselves from the case.

Collaborative divorce is not the right fit for everyone. Both parties must be willing to put aside the hurt and anger that accompanies divorce and commit to resolving their differences fairly. Collaborative divorce is particularly effective when a divorce includes children. The collaborative process helps parents learn to communicate effectively and helps build the skills they will need to parent their children successfully but apart.

The Baltimore Sun article follows the divorce of Columbia, Maryland couple Frank and Stephanie Ellis. The Ellises were able to come to agreement about possessions, finances and child custody in four collaborative sessions at a cost of about $14,000, less than half the cost of a typical contested divorce. "The process felt like a business meeting," Stephanie said.

The skill of the collaborative team also helped the couple define and focus on the actual issues of their separation without getting bogged down in their emotions. Frank described a disagreement over how the couple would split a tax refund. "It got to the point where we both had sort of drawn lines in the sand and weren't going to bend. We took our attorneys and went into separate rooms and had venting sessions. ... It's amazing the things you choose to argue about." Once emotions were under control, the couple was able to reach an agreement.

The Ellises were successfully able to dissolve their marriage and settle child custody issues through the collaborative process. They have come out of the process with the ability to interact and communicate effectively and without acrimony. Their daughter, they say, is healthier and happier because of it.

Meet Michael Mastracci, Your Host of Divorce Without Dishonor

Michael Mastracci, attorney and counselor at law, is your host and author of Divorce Without Dishonor® as well as the sponsor of the website www.MiketheLawyer.com.

You may have wondered just exactly who I am if you have been reading this blog. I thought that I would take just a few moments to introduce myself.

I am a native of Baltimore County and 43 years old. I graduated from the University of Baltimore Law School and was admitted to the Maryland State Bar in 1989. I began my legal career as a trial attorney handling personal injury and negligence cases. Through my in-depth trial experience, I developed a criminal defense practice for my firm.

My own difficult and acrimonious divorce and child custody battle led to my own personal interest in collaborative family law. I am the author of a soon to be released book on child custody issues and divorce survival using the collaborative family law model.

I am personable, a good listener, and sincerely interested in helping you to resolve your divorce and child custody issues in a fair and even-handed manner. My efforts are focused on improving the quality of your life while protecting the future emotional well-being of your children.  I have personally felt and witnessed the strife that divorce causes in families and want to express my concern and compassion for your personal situation. Using collaborative law does not mean giving away your rights or just submitting to the will of a stronger-willed soon to be ex-spouse. Collaborative law entails working through the tough issues, brought on by divorce, as adults with a  primary joint focus on helping your innocent children cope with the major adjustments that accompany separation and divorce.

I invite you to visit my website www.MiketheLawyer.com to learn more about me, my qualifications. and most importantly, how I can help YOU. Feel free to call me at 410-869-3400 and schedule an appointment or telephone consultation. I look forward to helping you through these difficult times. 

Behavior Tips for Meetings with Your "Ex"

Collaborative divorce is a way of solving disputes respectfully. However, given the reality of human nature, it may sometimes be difficult to maintain a cooperative atmosphere during meetings with your spouse and your respective attorneys. Here are some tips from collaborative experts that may help you as you move through the process of divorce.

1. Focus on solving the problem. During your marriage you and your spouse tackled problems together. Try to think of separation and divorce as one more problem you are trying to work out together. It may not be easy, but it will help you maintain a cooperative attitude.
2. Focus on constructive solutions. Recriminations and emotional outbursts will not help you reach your goals. Focus on your goals and try to offer effective suggestions for reaching them.
3. Focus on creative solutions. Keep an open mind. Don't become so focused on your ideas that you fail to consider other, possibly more workable, ideas. Be creative. There are many ways to reach a goal. You'll find your collaborative team particularly helpful in suggesting creative solutions to your problems.
4. Focus on respecting each other. Sarcasm, criticism, inflammatory speech, angry outbursts -- none of these will help you solve your problems or reach your goals. They will only serve to escalate emotions and make cooperation impossible. If your emotions start to spiral out of control, remove yourself from the meeting until you calm down. Collaborative attorneys and the collaborative team are specially trained to foster a cooperative atmosphere that is respectful to both parties. Your divorce coach can help you improve your communication and self-management skills so that you can communicate more effectively during meetings with your spouse.
5. Focus on speaking for yourself. "I" comments will be more effective during negotiations. You cannot speak for or know the feelings or motivations of your spouse. You can only honestly speak to your own feelings and needs. "You" statements too often are perceived as accusatory and generally lead to unproductive arguments and escalating feelings of hostility.
6. Focus on listening. Truly listen to what your spouse says. Try to understand what matters most to her and see things through her eyes. Mutual understanding is a necessary step to solving problems in a way that meets the needs of both parties. 
7. Focus on the future. Dwelling on the past and allowing yourself to become mired in emotional pain and blame, while human, will prevent you from moving forward. Accept responsibility for your feelings, but don't allow them to govern your actions.
8. Focus on reality. Recognize that separation and divorce are huge and perhaps frightening changes for you, your spouse and your children. Quite often one party is less prepared and less accepting of the reality of divorce and the ending of the marriage than the other. Try to respect the needs of your spouse and allow them time to adjust and make decisions.

If you and your spouse can work through the issues of your divorce together while maintaining an atmosphere of cooperation, you will both heal more quickly and be able to move forward with your separate lives. If you have children, divorce will be immensely less damaging if both parents are able to work together amicably.

For more information on collaborative divorce, see our blog posts beginning September 24, 2007 and click here to visit my website.

Quote of the Month: Divorce

Divorce is so common that some couples stay married just to be different.

Building Your Collaborative Divorce Team

Collaborative divorce uses a cooperative team approach rather than an adversarial approach to arriving at an equitable divorce settlement. (See our blog posts beginning September 24, 2007.) The make-up of your collaborative team, which you and your spouse choose jointly at the onset, will depend on your individual circumstances. You and your spouse and your individual collaborative lawyers comprise the core of any team. Additional team members may include:

• Divorce coaches for each spouse to assist with communication skills, self management and negotiation skills;
• Financial adviser to provide accurate, impartial financial information, assist in gathering necessary financial documents and provide possible settlement options;
• Child specialist represents your children, talking with them and you to present their concerns and needs; and
• Case manager, often one of the coaches, keeps everyone informed and on track.

All members of your team should be collaborative professionals dedicated to  working together to cooperatively resolve disputes. Each should be committed to the ethical guidelines set forth by the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals that prohibit team members from becoming involved in court proceedings connected to a case and demand with drawl should the collaborative process fail and the case move to court. The purpose of the collaborative team, after all, is to help you and your spouse resolve your issues cooperatively and develop a settlement agreement that meets both your needs without going to court. 

The process generally starts when a divorcing couple contacts a collaborative family law practitioner, like myself, who can serve as a resource and conduit to other team members. Many collaborative professionals have agreements in place which makes it easy to form a team and get the process started quickly.

For more information on collaborative divorce and collaborative family law, click here to visit my website.

The Attorney's Role in Collaborative Divorce

In a collaborative divorce, your attorney is not neutral. He fully represents YOU, but with a change in emphasis and attitude. Instead of taking an adversarial approach, as is typical in most American divorces, lawyers who practice collaborative law emphasize mutual respect and cooperation. With collaborative divorce it is possible to arrive at an amicable settlement that respects the goals and needs of both parties.

As in any divorce proceeding, a lawyer who practices collaborative law serves as a resource, educator and advocate for his client. He performs the usual investigations and determinations, helps you organize disclosure documents and understand those provided by your spouse. He will apprise you of your legal rights and obligations and help you analyze the consequences of competing options and possible choices. But he will also try to anticipate conflict, work to achieve creative solutions to problems that are acceptable to both parties, and strive to manage the divorce process to promote cooperative resolution in a setting of mutual respect and dignified behavior.

You'll find that attorneys, like myself, who practice collaborative law make a real effort to get to know and understand our clients as individuals and develop a rapport with all of the parties involved in the divorce process. We value and practice respectful communication and listening skills and actively promote cooperative behavior. Collaborative divorce attorneys have a finely honed ability to identify the issues and concerns of both parties and bring the clarity of reason and reality to emotionally charged situations.

In collaborative divorce, court is not an option. If an settlement cannot be reached, the collaborative lawyers must withdraw, leaving the divorcing parties free to retain trial attorneys to pursue the matter in court. This ensures the commitment of the attorneys to reaching agreements and overcoming impasses through cooperative negotiation and mediation.

Much like court mediators, collaborative divorce lawyers are required to obtain special training. A collaborative divorce can save both parties the pain and anxiety of months spent haggling in court as well as the considerable expense generally incurred in an adversarial divorce. Through collaborative divorce, couples have the opportunity to emerge with a fair settlement and peaceable relationship while minimizing the negative effects of divorce on their children.

For more information on collaborative divorce and collaborative family law, click here to visit my website.

Next time: The collaborative divorce team.

Collaborative Law Takes Nastiness Out of Divorce

Browsing at the video store this weekend, The War of the Roses caught my eye. In the classic nasty divorce movie, divorce attorney Danny De Vito tells the story of an embittered couple, Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner playing Oliver and Barbara Rose, who after 17 years of marriage decide to divorce. A pitched battle for possession of their luxurious home ensues, each party going to increasingly absurd (and comedic) lengths to outmaneuver the other -- to the ultimate downfall of both.

It struck me that, though exaggerated by Hollywood, this is the American view of divorce: two infuriated adults, angrily sniping at each other, each trying to get the upper hand and inflict damage, backed up by coldly calculating lawyers. This is the view reinforced repeatedly in movies, on television, on the pages of magazines and in books. In America divorce is acrimonious. Only one side will win. The other side must lose.

There was a time when I, too, held this view, until my own experience with divorce. The problem with considering divorce a battlefield is that it presupposes that there will be a winner and a loser, when the truth of the matter is that in divorce there are no winners; everyone loses, especially the children. In Collaborative Law I have found a way to help everyone in the family win, or at least not lose as much.

Collaborative law provides an opportunity for continued mutual respect between the divorcing parties, both through and after divorce. By working together -- collaborating -- collaborative divorce allows both parties to move on with their lives with dignity and peace. It is particularly effective when children are involved and parents must maintain a responsible relationship as they struggle to raise their children in two separate households.

In a collaborative divorce you and your spouse and your respective attorneys meet to jointly resolve issues. It is a non-litigation approach to divorce in which you are both committed to settling your differences and separating your lives without going to court. The emphasis in settlement meetings is on creating fair resolutions to differences in an open, safe, supportive environment. The goal is an agreement that will benefit both parties and their children. Those of us who practice collaborative family law believe collaborative divorce can become the new norm in America.

For more information on collaborative divorce and collaborative family law, click here to visit my website.

Next time: What is your attorney's role in a collaborative divorce?

Pre-Paid Legal Services Provide Peace of Mind

There are times in everyone's life when they need the services of a good lawyer. An attorney who practices family law can be an important part of your family's support team. Just as your family doctor has a broad knowledge of medicine, a family lawyer has a broad knowledge of law. An attorney like myself who practices family law is capable of assisting you with the wide variety of legal issues that impact most people's lives.

You should always consult a lawyer when you:

• Buy or sell real estate
• Sign a contract with financial implications
• Start a business
• Are arrested or charged with a crime
• Have an accident resulting in personal injury
• Have tax problems
• Are being sued
• Initiate a lawsuit
• Have a change in your family situation such as marriage, adoption or divorce

Remember the old saying: He who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Contact me if you need a lawyer and consider signing up for prepaid legal services. It's an affordable way to make sure trustworthy legal advice is always at your fingertips.

Mastracci Introduces New Identity Theft Protection Plan

For the last week I've been talking in this space about identity theft. My own recent experience in preventing the potential identity theft of thousands of cancer patients at Johns Hopkins Hospital (see my September 8 post) brought home the importance of fighting this fast-growing crime. With more than 10 million victims every year, it is only a matter of time and luck before each of us personally experiences this devastating crime.

In the past week I've shared valuable information you can use to protect yourself from identity theft. While there are many positive steps you can take, there is, unfortunately, no way to totally protect yourself from becoming a victim of identity thieves. Each of us have sensitive personaI data stored on numerous computers across the country. Information about ourselves resides in computers or on data disks that contain medical records, utility information, government data, university alumni lists, bank accounts, consumer credit accounts, retirement plans, etc. Every week the news seems to carry a story about another presumably secure computer from an agency of public trust that has been hacked and the sensitive personal data it contains stolen by identity thieves. Every single one of us is at risk.

Identity theft is such an important issue with the potential to cause untold harm, both financially and emotionally, that I have expanded my family law practice to include an identity theft protection program. Click here to learn more about the Identity Theft Shield program and how you can be proactive in protecting yourself from identity theft.

What to Do If Your Identity Is Stolen

Identity theft rob sits victims both financially and emotionally. The arduous task of repairing your financial records and credit for many is far more devastating than the loss of money. The fastest growing crime in America, we've been talking about identity theft lately (see our previous posts starting with September 8).

If, despite every precaution, you become the luckless victim of identity thieves, there are steps you can take to minimize the damage. As you are working to restore your identity and credit, make sure you keep all correspondence and make a detailed record of all your conversations, including date, who you talked to and a summary of what was said. The longer you wait to act, the more damage identity thieves can do and the more costly it will be to you, so take immediate action.

Report the theft to the police immediately and request that a theft report be filed.

• Filing a police report gives you greater protection and may be required by some identity theft protection/insurance programs.
• Used in conjunction with the filing of a theft report to the Federal Trade Commission, it can provide you with certain useful protections as noted below.

Place a fraud alert on your credit reports and review your current credit reports.

• Fraud alerts help prevent identity thieves from opening accounts in your name. Use the toll-free number below to alert one of the three major credit reporting companies. You only need contact one agency as it is required to contact the other two.
• Each company should send you a confirmation that a fraud alert has been placed on your credit report. If you fail to receive a notice from one of the companies, contact them directly and immediately.
• When a fraud alert is placed in your file, you are entitled to a free copy of your credit report from each of the three agencies. 
• Review each credit report carefully. Make sure the name, address and other information listed are correct. Look for companies you haven't contacted, accounts you haven't opened and debits on your accounts you can't explain. Report any discrepancies immediately.
• For at least the first year, recheck your credit reports every three months after the initial theft.
• The three credit reporting agencies and their contact information are:
  Equifax: 1-800-525-6285; www.equifax.com; P.O. Box 740241, Atlanta, GA 30374-0241
  Experian: 1-888-EXPERIAN (397-3742); www.experian.com; P.O. Box 9532, Allen, TX 75013
  TransUnion: 1-800-680-7289; www.transunion.com; Fraud Victim Assistance Division, P.O. Box 6790, Fullerton, CA 92834-6790

Close accounts you know or suspect have been tampered with or opened fraudulently.

• Call and speak to someone in the security or fraud department of each company.
• Follow up your conversation with a letter and include copies of supporting document.
• Written notification is essential,particularly to banks and credit card companies. You need to create a record of the actions you take. Send all letters via certified mail, return receipt requested and keep the receipt cards when you receive them in the mail.
• Maintain an orderly file of all your correspondence and the originals of any supporting documents you enclose, as well as records of phone conversations.
• If charges have been made to your accounts, request a fraud dispute form. Return it to the address listed on your bill for billing inquiries, not the address you send your payments to.
• Once all disputes have been resolved, as the company for a letter stating that disputed accounts have been closed and that fraudulent debts have been discharged. This is your best proof of settlement should future errors appear on your credit report.

File a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission.

• Filing a complaint with the FTC provides you one more level of protection. It also provides federal law enforcement officials with valuable information they can use to track down identity thieves across the county.
• You can file your complaint in any of the following ways:
  Fill out the FTC online complaint form
  Phone the toll-free hotline: 1-877-ID-THEFT (438-4338), TTY: 1-866-653-4261
  Write: Identity Theft Clearinghouse, Federal Trade Commission, 600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW, Washington, DC 20580.
• Provide the police a printed copy of your FTC ID Theft Complaint and ask them to incorporate it their police report. The two reports together constitute a Identity Theft Report which entitles you to certain protections, including:
  1. Permanently blocks fraudulent information from appearing on your credit report.
  2. Ensures than debts do not appear on your credit report.
  3. Prevents companies from continuing to collect debts resulting from the theft.
  4. Places an extended fraud alert on your credit report.

How to Protect Yourself from Identity Theft

Identity theft is on the fast track to overtake drugs as the most prolific crime in America. With 10 million people falling victim every year, there's a better than average chance that you or someone you know will fall prey to identity thieves. To minimize your risk, the U.S. Department of Justice says, remember the word SCAM:

Stingy is what you need to be about giving out personal information to others. Adopt a need to know approach to your personal data. Be suspicious first, so you won't be sorry later.

• When you open a bank account or apply for a credit card, you may be asked to provide your mother's maiden name to verify your identity. If you call them, they may ask for that information to verify that you are, in fact, you. However, if they call you, they should not ask for information already on file. If they do, suspect a scam aimed at obtaining your personal information. 
• Don't have more information printed on your checks than is required, and particularly not your social security number. Don't routinely give people information about yourself that they do not legitimately need.
• Before you put it in the trash, always tear up or shred receipts, credit applications, insurance forms, bank statement and any papers containing personal information.
• If someone calls you on the phone with a credit card offer or the chance to win a prize, suspect a scam. Do not give out any personal information to strangers over the phone. Ask them to mail you a written application form. If they won't, hang up. If they do send you a form, review it carefully and make sure your information is going to a reliable company or financial institution. Check with the Better Business Bureau to see if any complaints have been lodged against the company. Verify that the address on the form is the company's actual address. Some scammers send out mailings (or emails) that appear to be legitimate but direct your information to a phony address (or website).
• If you receive an email from your credit card company, bank, insurance company, government agency, etc., don't give out any information until you verify that you're dealing with the legitimate organization. If you respond, don't click a link or cut and paste. You may be directed to a dummy site. Type the URL into the address line or call the customer service number listed on your account statement or in the phone book.
• If you're traveling and need to pass along personal information, do it from a secure location, not an open telephone booth where passersby can overhear.
• If you take a trip, have the post office hold your mail or have a trusted family member or neighbor collect it.
• Never leave your purse or wallet in your car. Only carry identification and credit cards you plan to use, leave the rest at home. Don't carry your social security card with you. Always lock your car to prevent thieves from getting information from your auto insurance or registration cards.

Check your financial information regularly. Pay attention to what you receive and don't receive. Failure to receive information can indicate that someone has fraudulently diverted your mail to another address.

• Bank and credit card accounts should issue monthly statements. If you don't get one, call them immediately. Make sure they have your correct mailing address on file. If they show an address you didn't authorize, tell the institution's fraud department immediately, get copies of all transactions since your last received statement, and request further action.
• If you receive a statement for a bank, loan or credit card account you did not open, report it to the fraud department of the institution immediately, request copies of all records, and request immediate action.

• Check each transaction in your monthly bank and credit card statements carefully. If you find an unauthorized debit, charge or withdrawal, report it to the financial institution immediately and request that they take action.

Ask for a copy of your credit report every year. It should list all bank and financial accounts under your name and will tell you if anyone has fraudulently opened or used any accounts in your name. Click here to request a free annual credit report.

• Under federal law each of the three big credit reporting agencies -- Experian, Equifax and TransUnion -- must provide you with a free copy of your credit report every 12 months when requested. The link above is to a website the three agencies maintain jointly for this purpose. You can order your annual credit report from all three agencies at the same time or space your requests throughout the year and, for example, receive a credit report from a different agency every four months.

Maintain careful records of your banking and financial accounts, including credit card accounts. Retain checks and monthly statements for a minimum of one year. If a transaction or your signature is disputed, your original records will be immediately accessible and more useful than bank copies.

For more information on identity theft, read our previous posts in this series starting on September 8.

Next time: What to do if your identity is stolen.

What Happens When Your Identity Is Stolen?

Victims of identity theft suffer not only financial loss but tremendous psychological pain and a feeling of violation. They may be harassed by debt collectors and have to cope with serious banking problems, loan rejection or utility cutoffs. They may even face arrest for crimes committed by the person who stole their identity.

With passage of the Identity Theft Assumption and Deterrence Act in 1998, identity theft became a crime in America. Federal and state laws often protect victims against financial loss but it is the severe disruption to their lives and the emotional damage that cause victims the most distress. On average, victims spend 600 hours trying to clear financial problems and repair damaged credit. In a recent poll, Americans feared only a terrorist act on the level of 9/11 more than the theft of their personal data.

Portrait of a victim. The average identity theft victim is 42 and lives in a large metropolitan area. Eighty-six percent of victims have no relation to the thief. Unfortunately, most victims do not notice the crime for 14 months, plenty of time for the thief to wreak havoc with their finances, credit score and community standing. The longer it takes to discover the theft, the greater the victim's loss and suffering.

Scene of the crime. Using your identity, thieves can authorize electronic transfers and clean out your bank account, open credit cards in your name and run up huge debts, open a bank account and write bad checks, take out an auto loan and buy a car, get ID such as a drivers license issued in your name but with their picture, get a job using your name, file fraudulent tax returns, even commit crimes using their victim's name. Thieves often change the mailing address on accounts so you don't even know what's happening until the bill collectors and police arrive at your door.

Take a look at these actual cases of identity theft prosecuted by the U.S. Department of Justice:

• In California, a woman used a stolen social security number to obtain thousands of dollars in credit and then filed for bankruptcy in the name of her victim.
• Three people opened bank accounts using both real and fake identification, deposited U.S. Treasury checks stolen from the mail, and then withdrew those funds for their own use.
• In Florida, a man obtained names, addresses, and social security numbers from a website and used that data to apply for a series of car loans over the Internet.
• A woman obtained a fraudulent driver's license in the name of the victim, used the license to withdraw more than $13,000 from the victim's bank account, and obtained five department store credit cards in the victim's name to which she charged $4,000.

Next time: How to protect yourself from identity theft.